well, it has been a while since my last post, mostly because finding the time to do so is not anywhere near the top of my priorities list.

I'm still playing games, in case you were wondering. Although, to a small degree they seem to be balancing out a little.

I guess I could write about this week with Brennan. I was privileged to spend time and share meals with this fellow ragamuffin. We talked about movies, politics, monasticism and our lives. I could not help but love on him. I was so blessed by his presence this week. He really lives what he preaches. After his first sermon on Tuesday morning I sat down next to him and and said to him, "well done good sir." He responded with, "It's an amazing truth that we have been given." We. Even though he says the same words sermon after sermon, year after year, he is still in awe at the love of God. He takes into account what he preaches because he knows it is not just a word for people he is speaking to, but to himself as well and he lives it.

He blessed my life this week. While he is just a ragamuffin, he is somebody that has lived a lot of life and has the respect of thousands of people. I have to share a couple of experiences that really touched my heart.

We were eating dinner before Wednesday night's sermon at the Arey's hotel that he was staying at. He told so many stories of his childhood and what his mom and dad were like. Carlos and I were sucking up every word he had to say. After we finished our coffee we headed out to get to chapel on time, but Carlos wanted a photo of Brennan sitting by the fountain in the middle of the courtyard. In direction Carlos told him he could just look at me, about 45 degrees left of Carlos and so he did. I struck a silly pose ad gave a big smile and then Brennan smiled. He said, "Tom, you have a wonderful smile, it is truly contagious."

Remember that story he told Thursday morning about the fat ugly kid at the bus stop and how his father healed him of his self consciousness? That is what happened to me in that moment. You see, when I was about 9 I had a pretty bad bike accident. Over the handle bars and the asphalt took a chunk of flesh from my chin and half of my left front tooth. The dentists repaired it best they could, but half of my tooth was fake and half was real and over the years the middle part became what looked like to me a huge brown crack in my front tooth. Until the summer before I came to VU I was able to get caps and now my two front teeth are white and porcelain. but for those ten years of that ugly brown crack on my tooth I never would smile for a photo with my teeth. It was always lips tightly shut. I even tried to perfect smiling by only showing my bottom teeth. That always looked ridiculous.

So when Brennan Manning told me that I have a wonderful smile and that it is truly contagious it was a healing experience. He doesn't know that, but I do and I do not want to ever forget that moment.

Second moment was parting at the airport. Carlos got a pass to take him to his gate, but I had to say my good byes at the front of the security line. He opened up his arms for embrace and my heart swelled when he said, "I love you good brother; thank you for being you." All I could reply with was, "ah Brennan, thank you for being you." Which was good and honest, but I really just wanted to collapse into his embrace even more heavily and cry. I don't know why. but, for someone like him that has traveled to every nook and cranny of this nation and changed literally hundreds of thousands of lives with his obedience to the Abba to say that to my face while locked onto my eyes... I can't describe it. honestly, I do not know what to write. I really felt loved.

And I know I'm loved deeply even maybe by you reader, it was a whole other thing to be loved by someone who is experiencing and understands the Fathers love as he does.

He is a wonderful man. After the Wednesday night service, the SPFM staff and Brenna went to Cold Stone. He loves ice cream. He like vanilla with peanut butter mixed inside and caramel on top, not mixed in. He made sure the Cold Stone kid knew that. As we were devouring out tasting lumps of goodness Brennan blurts out, "I really like hanging out with you guys." I am glad that we could make him feel welcomed and loved. It was an honor.

playing games

I wonder if the end result of something that one cares about deeply is worth being fake in the process of trying to reach that end goal. I tend to believe life is about how the individual responds and interacts in the process of achieving, but is there ever a time when the worth of the end goal out weighs the process? Should one play the game of politics in order to gain what he/she desires most? Should one pretend like he/she is playing along for the time being in order that he/she can be apart of an experience that he/she longs for? I guess I am asking the famous question, "Does the end justify the means?" Does it matter how I get there as long as I get there?

Everything inside me is screaming that it matters not whether or not I gain the end result, but what kind of a man I am through the process of seeking. Can I find a balance between living in the moment for the end even though living as the man I am greatly jeopardizes me reaching the end for which I so deeply care and love?

Should I take the easy route to just play these stupid games or do I dare to see this as an opportunity to engage with one who's vision is perpendicular to mine own and ask to have the privileged to partner with the Holy Spirit and grow together with this person who interprets and projects life so differently than I? Can I give this person the benefit of the doubt in that this person is not "too far gone" and has to chance of realizing a different reality? Am I strong enough to stay true to what I know is true while at times being injected with lies? Am I meek enough to have mine own heart transformed by what may seem to be lies, but are simply new revelations? Am I wise enough to know the difference? Does it matter? Is it worth trying?

Is the end result worth enough to justify a facade throughout the journey? If I cannot be true to the man I think God is calling me to be trough this process, should I retire from this quest I so desire to fulfill? To which avenue is God calling me for the sake of the expansion of his glorious, glorious Kingdom?

"Tom, God does not care whether or not you [experience this event], but what kind of a man you are in the process." - Willem

I guess I have to ask, not "What would Jesus do?" (because that is a ridiculous question due to the fact that I will never be Jesus), but what would Jesus do if he were me? (read it again if you have to.)

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.